I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
You Might Also Like
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.