Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
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I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”