[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
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I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
HR said no more nunchucks.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.