[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
You Might Also Like
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
My god she’s good.