Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
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me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go![]()
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Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.