The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
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My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.