I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
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doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.