I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
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Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Our lord and savoury.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations