just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
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*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole