How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
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The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
new career option?
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down