When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
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colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Dune (2021)
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
*jazz hands*
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Cats are still liquid.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.