Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
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*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up