boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
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sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year