Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
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throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
No. He’s not coming out to play
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too