Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
You Might Also Like
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do