*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
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I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Sorry not sorry.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default