all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
You Might Also Like
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.