If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
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I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship