Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
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I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”