On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
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HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
wish me luck lads
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Look at this
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.