2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
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Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.