If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
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Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?