I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
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i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.