*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
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Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
asking santa clause for nudes
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
mechanics be like
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.