Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
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Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent