Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
You Might Also Like
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Going to church you guys need anything
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
#merica
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.