ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
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HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Bootstraps
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.