Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
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Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
I’ve had worse
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
White parent Vs Arab parents