4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
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COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.