3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
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Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
kevin is now a local weatherman
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.