SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
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Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me