Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
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I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]