when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
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“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.