[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
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Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Seems a bit forward
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
At least he brought enough for everyone
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.