*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
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Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.