9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
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Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Tremendous stuff
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.