Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
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A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
*jingles half the way*
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”