there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
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King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn