I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
You Might Also Like
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH