I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
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[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young