Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
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Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!