If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
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Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
I never needed anything more in my life
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?