I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
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Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
bout dat hot dog summer
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money