Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
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ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.