“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
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The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Geez man, take it easy.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
My biological clock is wheezing.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.