Meow
You Might Also Like
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.