if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
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Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
How to wake up a Beagle
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*