The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
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People who hate candy corn love telling you.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
i can’t wait that long