Give a baker flours on your first date.
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“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that