Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
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ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”